Digging deep hurts

You are going to have to take all my posts and average them together to get what my life is like on average, because it seems I only post on the highs and lows. The average is just to... well, average. Uninteresting and not post-worthy. Maybe someday I'll post on an average emotion. If I ever remember to notice it. :) Well, today is a low. On top of being emotionally a little threadbare (physically tired, college best friend in ICU fighting for her life) I feel like such a failure on so many levels. PLEASE don't comment in argument, I'm not fishing for compliments just to boost my self-image or anything. Sometimes I just think God wants to remind us that without Him, we are NOTHING. If I do something good or right, it is because of Him, no credit to me. That is no pity-party kick-off, it is a true statement that I have to be reminded of. Apparently I forget a lot, cuz God reminds me pretty regularly. Lately (pretty much this week, maybe longer) I have really struggled to do what I need to do, whether it's dirty dishes, or keeping the house picked up. And that's just the beginning. I am seeing God reveal my heart in so many situations and it's not just an issue of self control, like I just need to make myself do my job; it's an issue of love. Do I love my family enough to do what is best for them, at the cost of my personal comfort or desires. God is showing me how selfish I am, at my very core. It's not pretty. But I also have to remember that once I allow myself to see what God is showing me, the only hope is to beg Him to change me. Help me. Because I absolutely can't do what He has called me to do without Him. Yes, I must choose to do what I need to do, but I don't have the ability to choose rightly without Him. My weakness becomes His strength. My failures become opportunities for me to accept grace and then, in response, show grace. It's not fun realizing how often I fail, but I'd rather realize it and throw myself back at His feet begging His strength than to continue on in oblivion and never change. Oh how much worse that would be! I think He is tearing down my comfort zone what I do and why in order to show me the right "why" to do what I've been failing. I'm not sure that will make sense to anyone but me. Sorry. Maybe this is a better way to say it: I can make myself do what I'm supposed to do my whole life and still not accomplish my purpose. It's not just about what I do and how I do it, tho that's important. But what He's trying to get to is WHY I do what I do. And the way to show me that is to show my why I DON'T do what I'm supposed to. For some reason that has worked - I'm seeing my motives pretty clearly, now I need to work on fixing them. I'd love prayers as I continue to work through what He is teaching me. Pray that I'd be tender to His teaching and open to what He wants to show me. Thanks!